Unwrapping the gifts of envy
Envy is one of the little “green” emotions. Along with jealousy, it’s often described as ugly, and we’re encouraged to suppress it when it pops up. But what if we didn’t? What if we listened to envy and what she’s trying to tell us?
First off, let’s recap what envy is …
“Envy is a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.”
This definition is pretty good but it’s missing a key component — insecurity. Jealousy isn’t only the fear of losing something, it’s the fear of losing something because we are unworthy of holding it. Likewise, envy isn’t only the desire to achieve or possess something — it’s the desire to have it warped through the filter of a belief that we are unable to or unworthy of attaining it.
So, knowing this, the next time you feel envious, what can you do instead of stuffing it down? I think it’s good to notice first that you’re only feeling envy because you have a keen sense of what you admire in this other person.
Although it might be twisted at the moment, you have the ability to witness what you consider a positive quality in someone else. That ability to see people can be a wonderful superpower and a potential bridge to a deeper connection with others.
Secondly, and this I think is the most important, take a moment to recognize that envy is pointing to something you deeply desire but feel unworthy of.
If you stop and meditate on what’s alive in you for a moment, you have a powerful opportunity. Ask yourself, “What is it that I am admiring about this other person and why?”
Hidden in that admiration there is often an unexpressed or neglected need that you have that’s asking to be acknowledged. Then ask yourself, “Why do I feel I am unworthy or unable to achieve this need? What story or lie am I telling myself that’s preventing me from trying to satisfy this need? Why am I telling myself this story?”
Here’s an example that I, as an author, certainly relate to from Glennon Doyle. In her book Untamed, Glennon shares that before she began to write herself, she couldn’t stand hearing about other women who were authors.
Her body would get hot whenever someone brought up the success of another woman who had published a book. The hidden message there for her was that she truly, madly desired to be an author herself — but hadn’t yet allowed herself to pursue that desire. That feeling of envy began to resolve itself when she finally started typing.
So the next time envy knocks, instead of hiding or shaming yourself for feeling it, try something different. Open up the door, invite her in, and ask her what she has to tell you about what you really need and desire, and what insecurity is stopping you from going after it.
